..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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