it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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