You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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