i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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