the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize