I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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