My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
