i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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