i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
