Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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