i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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