Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
