my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I need to stop coming to work sober
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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