Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize