Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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