so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
