Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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