just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
