A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
