god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
