My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
