i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
