508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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