I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
