she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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