Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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