drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
