You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
