i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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