dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
