Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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