Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
