I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
