I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
