I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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