He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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