I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wish there were birth control emojis
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Im part way to drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
