why im i the only drunk person in the library?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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