remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
