Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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