Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
