They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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