I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
