I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
