Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
