Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Found your dick twin last night
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
