What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize