Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
