You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
