turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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