When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
