I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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