matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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