You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
