Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
