Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
