I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
