I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
