there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize