I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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