I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
